Last letter to you

Dear Hazel,

  You might not like this, how I write you a very long essay or to evoke emotions and feelings. But whether you like it or not, please allow me and please do read everything, as the title stated, this will be the last time.

Me After the Breakups:

  Yes I know you hated or scare I bring this up, but please let me state what I thought and my feelings without you for 2 - 3 months now.
  Honestly speaking, I literally treated you as my ex with no thoughts of the chances of getting back together, probably because of my busy schedule as I was rushing for my finals. I feel free I don't need to take the responsibility of telling or to inform you like I need to stayback, I need to go somewhere, maybe because I'm lazy. Well you might think its not important at all. Well I don't intend to repeat why, but you get my point right? Before this I kept telling you about keeping both of us up to date.
  When we were together, no matter how busy I was I won't stop squeezing up some free time and planned ahead on what we will do where we will go on a date. Yes, I don't need to think about it now. Alright what I wanted to tell you is this: I'm just lazy to think and do all these, not to say "YAY FINALLY NO MORE STRESS BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP". Because doing all these tiny little details makes me love you more, yes I loved doing these, waiting for you, fetch you to lrt station, to ballet... stuffs like these. Yes I am 100% totally don't mind. If I got bu shuang when you called: its just because obstacles like: so last minute, too busy, don't dare to tell my parents I'm going out to fetch you... But no matter what I still choose to do it, just to see you and ensure you're safe.
  Now, often times I wondered about your safety, your transport... yes I miss those times I fetch you, with you on the front seat next to me. Because often times when I drove alone, I kept imagining and picturing your presence right next to me, how I looked at you, how I held your hands when I drove, how you leaned on my shoulder..

My Words to You:

  I saw you drank with your friends.. snapchat I think. So what I wanted to say is this: know how to control yourself and be aware. I believe you know what I meant since I kept bringing this up numerous times. What I wanted to add on is this: 1. I know guys well, guys know guys well, girls doesn't know what is in guys' mind and intention, yes becareful even though you said "I know him well", based on my experience.. you don't, girls don't. Well i wanted to share with you why I said so and my experience.. but apparently our catch up session failed... so yeah. Just becareful, guys might not have the intention to make you drunk and...... stuff like that, but those that wanted to 'look after you' surely have the intention to touch you.. I GUARANTEE WITH WHAT I OBSERVED AND HEARD. 2. Do not get tempted. If others ask or urge to to drink shots, well max once is enough even though you have high alcohol tolerance. Last time my friends all together urged me to drink shots and I was so so so tempted to do so, but I manage to control myself and stood firm to refuse it. Girls... what I saw, no matter how "I won't drink that much" or "I need to stop drinking" will not be free from temptations. Trust me, I SAW WITH MY OWN EYES.

  Now the next part, you know I can't drink and I won't drink. Qinni on the other hand drank a lotttttt. The rest drank pretty much too. So as a friend I had to look after her, she went until a stage where she relied her whole body weight on other people, I had to like carry her up or sit her down.. stuff like those, you know la... For me, I feel so very sorry to her and myself, because I had to keep 'touching her', waist and hand only la. But still... I feel so sorry just because I touched her. Well if in anycase you are like that and a guy is looking after you, I can pretty much say that particular guy won't feel sorry and like it too. I guarantee from a guy's point of view.

  Besides, as I mentioned, you are tall, hot, and great butt, ahemp. Anyhow you will be eye catching and more prominent, whether you're in lrt, pub, club, anywhere. Don't say "aiya i not pretty guys wont't come to me de la" I can guarantee base on a guys point of view that they will choose you instead of a much prettier shorter girls. Tall, long legs, big butt, when you wear shorts or short skirt, guys will go crazy after you, in their mind. Again, trust me. So in anycase, remember to be careful and be aware. You're the type that is not aware, I know that.

Us After the Breakup

  So, I thought we will be close friends because we still can chat like how we did just that without a bfgf relationship, apparently no, from you. This is the part I got so so so confused:
1. You are the one that has 'changed' as you said, loose feelings for me, ask for breakup. So isn't it that I should be awkward and stuff like that instead of you?
2. That day we met up for VCR, you were so happy and feel 'burdenless' after we broke up and non stop talking talking. Like, why not now? If I made you so annoyed and you had to get rid of me, in the end you did thats why you were happy and relaxed and why not continue talking to me like a close friends will do? Given the fact that we don't meet each day, isn't it more topic to chat?
3. I non stop putting effort to mend this friendship, starting off by chatting as a friend. The way you replied.... I don't think thats how to reply to your other friends... even that Korean guy that you got so friend with until send him your photos., even when you have a bf that time.... like.. why not now?
4. The care I had for you when we were together, can't I continue it on as friend?
5. If you feel like don't want to give me any hope, or want me to get over you completely, well I get it and this method won't work.
6. The reason why I keep asking you out this 2 weeks is because, I really wanna catch up with you, as friend, besides both of us got no uni no work now, and 5th of Jan onwards both of us will get busier, so to me its the best chance to meet up. But.... nvm.
7. In the FB 2014 best moments thing, you completely removed all the photos that we had together. Does it mean that I am not significant in this year to you? Is it really necessarily to do so? Making me and other people feel like I am so insignificant. Nothing about me came across your mind when talking about your year in 2014? It might not be a big deal for you, but its an act to the public, regarding me, people kept telling me and asking me about this. I kept quiet. Because it really breaks my heart.
8. The photos of us you deleted, why those that broke up didnt remove but remain them as where they are, but you do. I mean we did not get into a major fight, it was a peaceful breakup, I still don't understand.

Please Hazel, don't give up on our friendship too.


Last thing I wanna say:
 
 I endured more pain, I cried much more even weeks after we broke up. When I watched Hobbit, an Elf cried when a Dwarf died because they were in love unexpectedly, so Elf asked her king, "why such pain, take it away from me I don't want this pain". The Elf king said "Because it's real". I never love a person so so much in my life, I appreciated you so much more after we got apart. I regretted the things I did, like bad temper, not understanding, not being in your shoes, not being a good bf, didn't appreciate the moments we had together. Well, but I appreciate and grateful for the little details we had together, until a point where I often pictured the walkthrough in your house, the sound generated when walking on your timber intermediate floor, its still so fresh so loud so clear in the recess of my mind. What I can't believe and yet to believe is that, I can't see you, your face, your smile, your eyes nose lips, can't hold your hand tight, as often and as special as it is. Honestly I thought we will last forever, I cant believe... and I did not see it coming too. I've always said 'I won't go back to my ex' But you are different. I can choose to get over you, the problem is whether I want it or not. Because what we had is so real and so true, until the fact that you get annoyed and wanna get rid of me.. I still don't know why.

  What Hazel Grace said was true: "There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a Bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful"
  Our little infinity, these 2 and a half years, I believe its something to you, because it's something really big for me. Yes thats why I dont understand how can you let our little infinity go so easily. But its okay now, as long as your decision made you happy, I'll support you. We went through lots of ups and downs throughout this year, we barely able to make it through the entire year, but you, and us make this year super special, at least to me. And I am very grateful with our little infinity. I hope we can continue on our infinity as close friends. 

 Wish you all the best in uni, in 2015, and in life. Happy New Year dear Hazel.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3KkhYKrnRA

Empty Christmas

  Yes, I know the actual meaning and purpose of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus. But for now let's talk about something more deep down on earth, or the "Earthly Realm of Reality". My version of Christmas this year, is getting empty. The big scaled family gathering and celebration, the one that I loved the most, are not with me this Christmas. And maybe that's the reason, and the very first time, I am not so 'into' this year's Christmas.

  Its the very first year I'm performing on the Christmas day in my church. Despite all the 'emptiness', during the final full dress rehearsal I've actually tried to 'feel' the warmth and gladness of Christmas, but its hollow, still hollow, very very empty, you know what I mean.

  Now the main thing, my confusion:

Each year I set a Christmas wallpaper in my phone. Every year I used a different one, but I couldn't remember which one I used last year. I saw your Snapchat, I saw you in Christmas hat. "OH YA!" the photo of you wearing a Christmas hat, taken when you were back at your hometown, that was the one I set as my wallpaper. And this is what triggered my mind, yes just triggered - my confusion.

  IF WHAT WE HAD WAS REAL, HOW CAN YOU BE FINE? 2 and a half years past so meaningfully so wonderfully. An unexpected "people change" phrase from you, remains a mystery, for me. We've gone through so many ups and downs together. Yes I'm in my degree, yes I'm an Architecture student, yes I have so many things to handle, but I never stop putting in some effort, squeezing out some time, sorting out my schedule, just to have a moment with you. I was waiting for you, kept waiting, and during my sem break, your finals are around the corner, you had to study and rush your final assignment, well fine with me. But what I don't really understand is, you changed during that period of time.

  If I did something wrong, tell me and correct me. There was a point where you don't wanna talk to me, well I found out the reason, I tried my very best to change, and I believe I did it. This time.. I don't see the reason, for not giving me a chance, for not telling me what actually happened, to allow me to grow and change. "Can't proceed to the next level" you said, after this 2 and a half years, everything just gone and feeling just change, just like that? I don't get it.

  I'm unable to continue on typing, I am so dumbfounded so blank just so so so confused. It is and remained an unsolved puzzle, because I believe there's more than that, there's more you hid away from me.

To you who are reading this, have a blessed Christmas. :)

HAZELAS, Our Love Story

The Beginning of Us.

  Dance brought us together. Back in those innocent days where I used to perform along with a dance group called 'Elastyx', and you performed as a ballerina, a beautiful one. We did not know each other. yet. There was an event where we where asked to perform, yea in our own respective group and genre, I was the kpop/hip-hop while you were with the ballerinas group. Nope, we still didn't know each other. While we were waiting at the backstage, from a distance, I saw you randomly danced to 'Abracadabra', that seriously caught my attention. 

  I know your name and who you were, but we were not friends until I got invited to join the school's drama team. You further caught my attention while we were having training. As days passed, I began looking forward to drama practice, just because I was looking forward to see you. I had a crush on you unknowingly. 

  We became friends, and even did a contemporary dance duet together. Our relationship, as good friends further enhanced through drama and dance competitions. From representing school to state level drama competition, to joining 'Disney's MySchoolRocks!' dance competition. What memories! We worked together to make a 'haunted house' for school's bazaar despite we were in different class and forms. After all of these, it came to my senses that "since those things that we need to do together are all over, I guess.. its time to 'let you go' as we won't see each other as often." But what happened next was not within my expectation.

  You began to text me, I was surprised and glad because all these while you did not chat with me for no particular reason. I thought it's just for a day. You kept coming back for me the following days, continuously. And then I realize, I have a special place in your heart. And.. we got a little shy when we saw each other in school and during tuition break, well at least for me. I kept looking forward to tuition too, because of you. That year during your birthday, pretty common and usual you'll celebrate with your own friends and family. To my surprise, you just wanna go out with me on your birthday itself. 

  Right before the year end, well I graduated from high school and starting my A-levels the next year. You asked me something that I totally won't forget till date. "You won't forget me after entering college right?' Silly girl, of course I won't! Mum always says "There's many more pretty girls in college, so don't need to be in a relationship now and focus on your SPM." Well I 'listened' to her and went to college, being single. But my heart was still with her. 

  Before Valentine's day on that year. I asked her whether will she be my valentine. 'I thought I'm already your valentine' was what she answered and that really got excited. For the first time I went online and learnt how to make a rose origami. I made 3 roses for her, (those big roses where you can fold it into a cube and open it up back into a form of a rose). Yea 3 roses means "I love you". Gave her during valentine's day, well not sure she understand why I made her 3 roses or not.. 

  On my birthday itself, I went on a 'date' with her. I let down my ego, heart thumped pretty loudly...... at the end of our 'date', we were in a relationship. 

Us

  I was the luckiest guy on earth, to have you as my girlfriend. We shared tons of common interests, yea dancing is the major part of it. Despite we went different colleges and uni, distance was not the problem for us. We stay pretty near to each other that I can walk to her house in 15 minutes. We used to walk to bus stop and take the bus for a 'date' before we were in a relationship, and eventually became her personal driver after I got my driving license. Our dating location expended from IOI mall since then. SetiaWalk became our favorite destination, for movies, lunch, and chilling at Starbucks. 

  We had arguments and disagreement sometimes, but got it fixed at the end of the date. Simple because I don't want any unsolved issue to interrupt our relationship, well it could be a major issue in the future if we did't choose to talk it off. We went to lots of events together too. From dance concerts, to Bon Odori. 

  I held your hands, pulled you close to me, drag you to walk faster to flee from the eyes of lustrous men on street, be aware of the situation and environment everywhere we go, simply just to make sure you're safe by my side. I enjoyed fetching you to wherever you need to go: train stations, home, ballet studio, etc, which leads to the next minor problem: You're slow! Those that already know you will most probably know what I mean. I am already an impatient guy, but waiting for you, is an honor and privilege. 

  When you shop, I will always follow and accompany you. Well if I'm like other guys, sitting at the nearest bench while waiting for the girlfriend to finish shopping... I would have wasted a fair amount of quality time with you. I wanna be there to give you opinions, help you take your bag, see how happy you are when you shop, because that makes me happy too! I'm a movie person, prefer to watch movies of any range in the cinema. (Because watching at home kills the experience). You did not hesitate to accompany me for movies. 

  I too am a human, mistakes and flaws are what I have, a lot. Not only you accepted me for who I am, you forgave me for my wrong doings. You have faith in me too, "You can go anywhere do anything you like, because I know at the end of the day you will come back to me." I am so touched, so glad, so happy. Not because I got your 'permission' to do whatever I want, it's simply because you have tremendous faith in me! She won't get jealous easily too. And even said "It's okay you can see hot girls, because I wanna see too." NOW WHERE TO GET A GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT?

  We spent many anniversaries, mensiversaries, birthdays, valentine's day, and Christmas together. Yes we grew a lot together too. I've been always looking forward even to receive your every single text message. I was happy and kinda excited when I receive one from you. You were so precious to me that I worked hard each day to catch up to you. 

  You held me up when I fall, hug me when I cry, kiss me when we said goodbye. I dream of you in my sleep pretty often, and even able to visualize our future together. Yes, I was very sure that you are my soul-mate,  and I am willing to spend my future with you. As a Christian, we were told to surrender everything to God. I did, except to surrender you, because I am too afraid to loose you, because you are my everything and I love you so much!

After Us

  Well, life would never be a bed of roses. On that night I let you go, I dream of a normal happy dream. While I wrote 'Hazel bae-' on a piece of card, a white flash struck me and I heard my own voice saying "You can't write this anymore" And then, I got dragged back to reality. "People change" is what you told me. I respect your decision, didn't force myself to get you back to me. It's not because I too felt the emptiness in out relationship or wanted to let you go already. To me, its as simple as this: "when you love a person, you don't really need to be together with the one you love, as long as they're happy and comfortable, you'll be happy too." 

  "To find a person you love, is hard; to find a person you love that loves you too, is harder; to find a person that loves you too and willing to spend the entire future with each other, is the hardest thing to do." Well, our relationship got stuck there. Indeed I loved you, and still love you. I am definitely willing to spend my entire future with you. I would love to kiss you goodnight, and then wake up to you, as the first thing I see in the morning. I can talk to anyone about anything, but I won't be as comfortable as talking to you. I wanna hold your hand so badly, it feels so comfortable, just by holding. I wanna hug you from your back, while you are shopping or preparing meals for me in the kitchen. I wanna continue rubbing my thumb on yours when we hold hands, to further enhance the feeling of appreciation the moment with you, and your presence. Yes, I am already eye watery typing all these.

  Hazel dear, thank you for these unforgettable 2 and a half years, truly memorable and precious. I am very honored and proud to have you as my girlfriend. What we had was true and real. I sincerely  wish you all the best in everything you do. I am willing to hold you and walk the rest of the journey with you, if you are willing too. You are always my precious pearl, and I will always hold you and protect you like a sea shell, in the sea full of sharks, watching you from afar, like a guardian angel. 

Love,      

Nicholas