You might not like this, how I write you a very long essay or to evoke emotions and feelings. But whether you like it or not, please allow me and please do read everything, as the title stated, this will be the last time.
Me After the Breakups:
Yes I know you hated or scare I bring this up, but please let me state what I thought and my feelings without you for 2 - 3 months now.
Honestly speaking, I literally treated you as my ex with no thoughts of the chances of getting back together, probably because of my busy schedule as I was rushing for my finals. I feel free I don't need to take the responsibility of telling or to inform you like I need to stayback, I need to go somewhere, maybe because I'm lazy. Well you might think its not important at all. Well I don't intend to repeat why, but you get my point right? Before this I kept telling you about keeping both of us up to date.
When we were together, no matter how busy I was I won't stop squeezing up some free time and planned ahead on what we will do where we will go on a date. Yes, I don't need to think about it now. Alright what I wanted to tell you is this: I'm just lazy to think and do all these, not to say "YAY FINALLY NO MORE STRESS BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP". Because doing all these tiny little details makes me love you more, yes I loved doing these, waiting for you, fetch you to lrt station, to ballet... stuffs like these. Yes I am 100% totally don't mind. If I got bu shuang when you called: its just because obstacles like: so last minute, too busy, don't dare to tell my parents I'm going out to fetch you... But no matter what I still choose to do it, just to see you and ensure you're safe.
Now, often times I wondered about your safety, your transport... yes I miss those times I fetch you, with you on the front seat next to me. Because often times when I drove alone, I kept imagining and picturing your presence right next to me, how I looked at you, how I held your hands when I drove, how you leaned on my shoulder..
My Words to You:
I saw you drank with your friends.. snapchat I think. So what I wanted to say is this: know how to control yourself and be aware. I believe you know what I meant since I kept bringing this up numerous times. What I wanted to add on is this: 1. I know guys well, guys know guys well, girls doesn't know what is in guys' mind and intention, yes becareful even though you said "I know him well", based on my experience.. you don't, girls don't. Well i wanted to share with you why I said so and my experience.. but apparently our catch up session failed... so yeah. Just becareful, guys might not have the intention to make you drunk and...... stuff like that, but those that wanted to 'look after you' surely have the intention to touch you.. I GUARANTEE WITH WHAT I OBSERVED AND HEARD. 2. Do not get tempted. If others ask or urge to to drink shots, well max once is enough even though you have high alcohol tolerance. Last time my friends all together urged me to drink shots and I was so so so tempted to do so, but I manage to control myself and stood firm to refuse it. Girls... what I saw, no matter how "I won't drink that much" or "I need to stop drinking" will not be free from temptations. Trust me, I SAW WITH MY OWN EYES.
Now the next part, you know I can't drink and I won't drink. Qinni on the other hand drank a lotttttt. The rest drank pretty much too. So as a friend I had to look after her, she went until a stage where she relied her whole body weight on other people, I had to like carry her up or sit her down.. stuff like those, you know la... For me, I feel so very sorry to her and myself, because I had to keep 'touching her', waist and hand only la. But still... I feel so sorry just because I touched her. Well if in anycase you are like that and a guy is looking after you, I can pretty much say that particular guy won't feel sorry and like it too. I guarantee from a guy's point of view.
Besides, as I mentioned, you are tall, hot, and great butt, ahemp. Anyhow you will be eye catching and more prominent, whether you're in lrt, pub, club, anywhere. Don't say "aiya i not pretty guys wont't come to me de la" I can guarantee base on a guys point of view that they will choose you instead of a much prettier shorter girls. Tall, long legs, big butt, when you wear shorts or short skirt, guys will go crazy after you, in their mind. Again, trust me. So in anycase, remember to be careful and be aware. You're the type that is not aware, I know that.
Us After the Breakup
So, I thought we will be close friends because we still can chat like how we did just that without a bfgf relationship, apparently no, from you. This is the part I got so so so confused:
1. You are the one that has 'changed' as you said, loose feelings for me, ask for breakup. So isn't it that I should be awkward and stuff like that instead of you?
2. That day we met up for VCR, you were so happy and feel 'burdenless' after we broke up and non stop talking talking. Like, why not now? If I made you so annoyed and you had to get rid of me, in the end you did thats why you were happy and relaxed and why not continue talking to me like a close friends will do? Given the fact that we don't meet each day, isn't it more topic to chat?
3. I non stop putting effort to mend this friendship, starting off by chatting as a friend. The way you replied.... I don't think thats how to reply to your other friends... even that Korean guy that you got so friend with until send him your photos., even when you have a bf that time.... like.. why not now?
4. The care I had for you when we were together, can't I continue it on as friend?
5. If you feel like don't want to give me any hope, or want me to get over you completely, well I get it and this method won't work.
6. The reason why I keep asking you out this 2 weeks is because, I really wanna catch up with you, as friend, besides both of us got no uni no work now, and 5th of Jan onwards both of us will get busier, so to me its the best chance to meet up. But.... nvm.
7. In the FB 2014 best moments thing, you completely removed all the photos that we had together. Does it mean that I am not significant in this year to you? Is it really necessarily to do so? Making me and other people feel like I am so insignificant. Nothing about me came across your mind when talking about your year in 2014? It might not be a big deal for you, but its an act to the public, regarding me, people kept telling me and asking me about this. I kept quiet. Because it really breaks my heart.
8. The photos of us you deleted, why those that broke up didnt remove but remain them as where they are, but you do. I mean we did not get into a major fight, it was a peaceful breakup, I still don't understand.
Please Hazel, don't give up on our friendship too.
Last thing I wanna say:
I endured more pain, I cried much more even weeks after we broke up. When I watched Hobbit, an Elf cried when a Dwarf died because they were in love unexpectedly, so Elf asked her king, "why such pain, take it away from me I don't want this pain". The Elf king said "Because it's real". I never love a person so so much in my life, I appreciated you so much more after we got apart. I regretted the things I did, like bad temper, not understanding, not being in your shoes, not being a good bf, didn't appreciate the moments we had together. Well, but I appreciate and grateful for the little details we had together, until a point where I often pictured the walkthrough in your house, the sound generated when walking on your timber intermediate floor, its still so fresh so loud so clear in the recess of my mind. What I can't believe and yet to believe is that, I can't see you, your face, your smile, your eyes nose lips, can't hold your hand tight, as often and as special as it is. Honestly I thought we will last forever, I cant believe... and I did not see it coming too. I've always said 'I won't go back to my ex' But you are different. I can choose to get over you, the problem is whether I want it or not. Because what we had is so real and so true, until the fact that you get annoyed and wanna get rid of me.. I still don't know why.
What Hazel Grace said was true: "There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a Bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful"
Our little infinity, these 2 and a half years, I believe its something to you, because it's something really big for me. Yes thats why I dont understand how can you let our little infinity go so easily. But its okay now, as long as your decision made you happy, I'll support you. We went through lots of ups and downs throughout this year, we barely able to make it through the entire year, but you, and us make this year super special, at least to me. And I am very grateful with our little infinity. I hope we can continue on our infinity as close friends.
Wish you all the best in uni, in 2015, and in life. Happy New Year dear Hazel.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3KkhYKrnRA
