Empty Christmas

  Yes, I know the actual meaning and purpose of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus. But for now let's talk about something more deep down on earth, or the "Earthly Realm of Reality". My version of Christmas this year, is getting empty. The big scaled family gathering and celebration, the one that I loved the most, are not with me this Christmas. And maybe that's the reason, and the very first time, I am not so 'into' this year's Christmas.

  Its the very first year I'm performing on the Christmas day in my church. Despite all the 'emptiness', during the final full dress rehearsal I've actually tried to 'feel' the warmth and gladness of Christmas, but its hollow, still hollow, very very empty, you know what I mean.

  Now the main thing, my confusion:

Each year I set a Christmas wallpaper in my phone. Every year I used a different one, but I couldn't remember which one I used last year. I saw your Snapchat, I saw you in Christmas hat. "OH YA!" the photo of you wearing a Christmas hat, taken when you were back at your hometown, that was the one I set as my wallpaper. And this is what triggered my mind, yes just triggered - my confusion.

  IF WHAT WE HAD WAS REAL, HOW CAN YOU BE FINE? 2 and a half years past so meaningfully so wonderfully. An unexpected "people change" phrase from you, remains a mystery, for me. We've gone through so many ups and downs together. Yes I'm in my degree, yes I'm an Architecture student, yes I have so many things to handle, but I never stop putting in some effort, squeezing out some time, sorting out my schedule, just to have a moment with you. I was waiting for you, kept waiting, and during my sem break, your finals are around the corner, you had to study and rush your final assignment, well fine with me. But what I don't really understand is, you changed during that period of time.

  If I did something wrong, tell me and correct me. There was a point where you don't wanna talk to me, well I found out the reason, I tried my very best to change, and I believe I did it. This time.. I don't see the reason, for not giving me a chance, for not telling me what actually happened, to allow me to grow and change. "Can't proceed to the next level" you said, after this 2 and a half years, everything just gone and feeling just change, just like that? I don't get it.

  I'm unable to continue on typing, I am so dumbfounded so blank just so so so confused. It is and remained an unsolved puzzle, because I believe there's more than that, there's more you hid away from me.

To you who are reading this, have a blessed Christmas. :)